5 Stages of My Life
by chinocoop81
Summary: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. 5 stages of grief that I have to go through, or so I'm told. Will they help me get over the love of my life? Only time will tell.
1. Denial

**A/N Okay, I've actually written this story before, it was called, Moving On. I've decided to post it again, and add some parts to it. It's basically Ryan going through the 5 stages of grief. Okay, R/R, enjoy!**

**Step 1:Denial**

I step into an office, a therapy office, nervous. Very nervous. Yeah that's right, Ryan Atwood, in therapy. I didn't want to come. Sandy, Kirsten, and Seth think I need to talk to somebody. I really don't want to talk to some stranger though. I don't want to talk to some weirdo that I know nothing about. I want to talk to one other person. I would talk to **her** if she was here, but she isn't. And I'm stuck her, in therapy, wishing she was here with me.

They call my name and I go into the room. I sit on the couch that they had set up for me. It's black, and big. I don't really want to sit down on it though, it looks like it'll eat me alive. It's actually quite comfortable though. The softness of the couch actually calms my nerves. I don't know why I'm nervous, I just am. I mean, what should I be nervous about? I don't have a problem. Marissa isn't dead, this is just some bad dream. Soon I'll wake up. And I can only hope it comes soon, because this dream is getting to me.

After I reassure myself, I see the therapist sit down. It's a man, maybe fifty. His hair is silver and he has some glasses on. His forehead has wrinkles and he seems kind but could be stern if he need to be. He looked alright, like he was happy with his job and his life. Lucky man.

He reaches out his and hand and says, "Hi, I'm Dr. Henry Richards, but you can call me Henry." I just stare at his large hand in front of me for a while, wondering if I should shake it. I don't want to. He seems compassionate and caring, but that didn't make any of this easier, just harder. Harder to be mad at. Harder to deny.

I shake his hand and mumble, "Ryan Atwood." He just nods and looks down into the file he's holding. It's a manila folder, like any other one. It's my file. All my crimes and mistakes were in that file. My whole life, was on that file. Everything except for her. The only thing that's important to me.

"Why are you here today Ryan?" Henry asks. He looks at me expectantly. His brown eyes looking at me intently. I don't answer for a while. I don't know why I'm here. I can't answer the question. I can only tell you that I wish I wasn't here, that I was somewhere far away. Somewhere with her in my arms. Somewhere where this wasn't a dream. Somewhere where I'm awake.

"I don't know, my family wants me here. If it was up to me, I'd like to be at home." I say. I don't tell him what I'd be doing. I don't tell that I'd be sitting on my bed, trying to wake up. That I'd be staring at pictures of me and her, back when we were happy together. That I'd be wishing and hoping that she'd appear in my doorway, with a smile on her face. And announce that she's back, and it's graduation day again.

"Well, there has to be a reason." He looked back at his file. "Tell me about school. Do you go to college?" He looked back at me again. I didn't want to break the news to him. I didn't want to tell him that I dropped out of college, and that I didn't ever plan on going back. No, he wouldn't like that answer. No one did, that's why I haven't told.

"No, I haven't been in a school since I graduated last May. I don't want to go to college now. I have better things to do." Why go to college when she isn't there with me? Even if she went to Greece for a year, she would've come back. I know she would've. And we would have pretended to be friends, denying the spark and connection that was always there until we couldn't take it any more.

"Well then, tell me about your graduation. Did anything special happen then?"

No, but the day after my on again, off again girlfriend died. Well, supposedly died. Because this is all a dream, and people die in dreams. But she wouldn't be dead in real life, because that's just impossible. I don't say that though, I say, " My mom came." Well that is kind of special, isn't it? I hadn't seen her in a couple of years after all.

"Really, that's good. Do you see your mom a lot?" He seemed happy almost when he said this. It made me want to hit him. I don't know why, but he's really getting on my nerves.

"No. She bought me a car though." Ahh, my car. It was good while it lasted. I'd trade the car in any day if I got her back though.

"Really, is it a nice car?"

"From what I saw about it, it was." It wasn't too safe though.

"What do you mean?" he asks, confused.

"I got into an accident the day after I got it. It got messed up really bad so I don't have it anymore." I think back to the car crash and wince. I hate thinking about that time.

"Tell me about this accident. Did you get hurt? Did anyone you know get hurt?" And suddenly, I feel choked up. I can't explain it, but I do.

" I got out without a scratch. My on again off again girlfriend Marissa Cooper…well she died." I say the last three words softly. I didn't want to say them, because she's not really dead. But if I'm going to be stuck in my dreams, I better go along with it.

"I'm sorry for your loss. What were you doing at the time of the accident?"

"I was driving Marissa to the airport. She was going to go with her dad on a boat for a year." I started. I got lost in the story, remembering every detail, every sight. "I was driving when her drunken ex boyfriend Kevin Volchok started ramming the side of the car. We ended up going off road into a bunch of trees. We rolled over a couple of times too. I got out okay and went to get her out. She was unconscious. I picked her up and took her further down the road. I woke her up and told her that I would go get help. She didn't want me to and begged me to stay. She died in my arms, on the side of the road." And I wanted to be able to tell this guy that we told each other I love you. I wanted to be able to say that I was over it, that I've said my good-bye. I can't though. And I'm beginning to miss her. Gosh, why won't I wake up?

"That must have affected you a lot. How was her funeral?" And he seemed genuinely concerned. So concerned, that I didn't want to tell him the rest of my story.

"I didn't go." And I drift back to that day, the day of the funeral.

Flashback

"Ryan, buddy, it's time to get up." Seth said, his voice tired. "You don't want to miss Marissa's funeral."

I just lay there in bed though, not moving, not speaking. I think back to that day, almost a week ago. Almost a week since she was in my arms. Almost a week since she left me. Almost a week since I became numb.

"I'm not going." I announce. Seth seems shocked by my answer. "I don't want to go, and you can't make me."

"Ryan, you have to go, come on." He said, his voice shaky. "You loved her man, you have to go and show your respect to her." And I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"I have to show respect?" I asked, pain evident in my voice. "Why don't you show respect to me, and leave me alone." And I turn over in bed. I bottle up my feelings again, refusing to believe she's dead. Refusing to go to her funeral.

"You're going to have to deal with this." He says softly. I turn back around to face him, to tell him that there's nothing to deal with, but he's gone. I look out in the darkness of the pool house, and do what I've done for the past couple of days. Just stare out into space, wishing she was here with me. Wishing that I'd wake up.

End of Flashback

"Why not?" the therapist asks me, snapping me out of my flash back. And I'm glad, because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

"What's the point. I mean, this is all a bad dream. None of this is real." And I state what I've been holding back all of this time. What I haven't been saying to anyone. "She wouldn't leave me like that, not my Marissa." I say.

He starts to write something down on his notepad. I wonder what he's writing down. I see him scribble the words, come back. And I wonder what he means. I need to know. I need to know that he doesn't think I'm crazy, because I'm beginning to wonder myself. So I say, "What are you writing down? I'm not crazy. She's not dead. I mean she can't be dead, can she?" And the truth hurts me. She is dead.

This isn't a dream.


	2. Anger

-1**Step 2: Anger**

I've been seeing Henry for a couple of weeks now. Two long weeks of talking, which let's be honest, I don't like doing. I mean, that's what me and Marissa had problems with, and here I am, talking to some old guy. Not exactly what you want to do when the love of your life dies. When you would rather be at home, mourning them, wishing they were with you. When you'd rather be looking at old pictures and imagining what could've and should've been. Instead, I'm here, staring at an old guy searching through my file. I have nothing against Henry, he's just a therapist. And I hate therapists. I hate therapy.

Because without therapy, there never would have been Oliver. And without Oliver, there never would have been Theresa. And without Theresa, there would have never been a baby, or a long summer in Chino, wishing I was back in Newport. And there never would have been a DJ, Lindsay, or Alex. And there never would have been breaking up, and that would solve a lot of our problems. But there would still be Trey….

Gosh, for my brother, he sure is an idiot. Then again, all Atwoods are idiots, aren't we? I mean, my dad gets arrested, I get arrested, Trey gets arrested, my mom kicks me out, and the list goes on and on. Anyways, back to the point, Trey is an idiot. He can be blamed for Marissa's death. Volchok is another possibility. He did ram us off the road.

But I didn't stop.

Doesn't that make me a part of the blame. I should have stopped, I should have gotten help. I should have done something, anything. But no, I sat there, and watched her die, in my arms. I'm not a part of the blame, I am the blame. Because if I hadn't ever come to Newport, neither would Trey. And if Trey didn't come, and didn't try to rape her, and she hadn't shot him, she never would have met Johnny, or Volchok.

And this realization makes me angry, and said, and hurt. Because I know that I'm a reason she isn't here, I know. I find myself clenching my fists, and trying not to scream or hit something in anger. Henry looks at me, and smiles. And it takes everything in me not to hit him right now.

"Ryan, you've really made some progress these past couple of weeks." He pauses and looks down at his notes and adds on, "Now that you have Denial out of the picture, you only have four stages left to go. Do you remember what we talked about the other day, about the five stages?"

"Yeah." I try not to laugh at him. Five stages, please. Like I'd really grieve in five stages. Like my emotions could really add up that easily. It wasn't likely, not possible. No, there was no such thing as Five Stages of Grief. There couldn't be.

"So, onto another subject." He looks at me, his smile gone. "How are the Cohens doing?" He asks me. I don't say anything for a while, just stare at his accusing eyes. There's no way that he could know….

Flashback

I stare at the bags in front of me, not bearing any emotion. I won't show them my true feelings, because they wouldn't like them. They wouldn't like to know that I've been planning this since she died, since I came home that night. They wouldn't like to know that I've been saving up money for months now, and that I can't wait to leave.

No, that wouldn't go over well.

So instead I pretend to not feel anything. I try to be numb, which is pretty easy actually. Because I am kind of numb. Because at the moment, other than anxiety to move, I don't feel anything. I don't feel sad, or hurt. I don't feel happy, and I don't feel depressed, like people think I am. Because in truth, I haven't felt much since learning that Marissa is actually dead.

Not a lot anyways. Yeah, I get the reality check every couple of hours, and I remember that I'll never see those eyes looking at me again. Never see the smile that had me fall for her when I first saw her at the edge of the driveway. That I'll never again hear her voice, calling me, asking for help. And I get a small wave of hurt run through my heart, making it hard to go on. Harder to live without her.

But then, I busy myself with something. I run, I work, I try to find an apartment. Because I can't deal with it. It's not denial, I'm over that. I know she's gone, I know that this isn't a dream. I'm not denying that, I'm just trying not to feel the sadness and the tears that come to my eyes, making it hard to see.

So here I am, ready to leave the life that I know behind. I'm moving into my own, small apartment. Very small. But I can't stand being in the pool house, can't stand staring at her picture all day. I need to get on with my life, I need to get out of the Cohen house. So I'm leaving the pool house, her pictures, and everything behind.

Today is the start of the new life I've been longing for since May 18th, exactly two months ago.

End of Flashback

"Uhh.." The truth is, I don't know. I moved out last week, the day after therapy. That way, he wouldn't know. But I think he may have found out. "They're great." That's a lie. But in the last week, do I really care if I'm lying, no.

"Really? Sandy called this morning and said that he hasn't seen you since last week"

Busted!

"Yeah, so?" Why should Henry care, he just gets paid to do this job. He really doesn't care about me. No one does, only Marissa and she's gone.

"Ryan, the Cohens love you. They just want to help you." I really hate it when he buts into my life. I hate it when people think they're helping, but they're just making everything worse. Like Marissa, trying to help everyone. Like me, trying to help everyone. Like Henry, trying to convince me of a truth I already know. One that makes me wish I could go back to the pool house, and that everything will be okay.

"I'm sure they do. I just don't think they can help me this time." They really can't. They can't bring Marissa back. That's all I need. They can't provide it for me though, no one can. And that makes me upset.

"What can't they help you with? Is it Marissa? Do you think they can't help you with Marissa?" I hate it when he reads my mind.

"Look, there's a lot of things that I'm dealing with right now. I just don't think that the Cohens can help me through that okay." I wish he would really just leave me alone, stop trying to help…..

"Ryan, you can never get over this if you don't talk about it."

"I don't need to talk about it!" I say, a little louder than I meant to.

"Marissa isn't coming back, you know that, I know that, everyone knows that. You need to deal without her here with you. It may be hard, but you can do it." He smiles at me and says, " I know you can."

I just sit there, staring at him. How dare he talk about Marissa like that. How dare he say I need to deal with it. I know I do, I just don't want to. I don't have to. So now, we just stare at each other. I try not to hit him.

"You didn't know her. You didn't know anything about her. So don't you dare talk about her, understand? Don't you dare try to help, and say I need to get over it. I don't need to get over it, I am over it!" I get up and walk towards the door. He gives me a questioning look when I turn around. "Therapy's over for today, see ya." I walk out with every intention never to come back.

I drive to a bar. I know, not smart, but hey, I had a hard day. I've actually had a hard summer. So I deserve a drink or two. I won't get too much. I'm sure of that. Because drinking won't solve my problems, just like they didn't solve my mom's, or Marissa's either.

I order a seven and seven. The guy doesn't even ask for an ID. That's alright with me though, because I really need a drink, and I really don't want to leave. I receive my drink and start taking small sips. I can't help but wonder if this is how my life's going to be from now on. Alone, sitting at a bar, drinking away my pain. Well, drinking only a little until I'm alright again. That's not like Marissa, right? 

Some guys start talking. You can tell they're drunk. "Did you see that guy last night, he was all messed up!" This triggers my attention. Maybe if there's a fight, I can get in. It'll help me some. I could blow off some steam, and maybe make some money along the way.

"I can't wait for that fight tonight. I hear anyone can enter. Why don't you give it a shot Don?" And I'm excited all of a sudden. A fight, anyone can come….

"I can't make it tonight, I gotta work."

I walk toward these guys. If there's a fight, I want in. "Um, excuse me. What fight?" I ask. I need to know, need to fight.

The guys stare at me for a long time. They must be trying to register what I just said. One guy suddenly says, "They're across the street. Why do you want to know?"

"I was thinking of fighting. Do you think they'd let me?" I really hoped they would. But based on what they told me earlier, I already knew they would.

"They'll let anyone. Be careful though kid, the competition is really tough. Good luck."

I thanked them and headed across the street. I could already feel myself getting better.

**- That Night - **

I'm in the caged in area now. The fight's about to begin. The crowd's cheering, and the guy in front of me stares me down. I see hate in his eyes, hate for someone. And I know that mine are a mirror image. Suddenly, they yell fight. The crowd's cheering, waiting for the first move. I clench my fists and walk toward my opponent.

He's about my height. He is bald and has tattoos all over his arms. He has big arms, probably from all the fights he's already been in. There's a scar over his left eye, and I begin to wonder if this is the right decision. Maybe I shouldn't be here.

He hits me first. That sets me off. I hit him in the jaw. He hits me in the chest. That really hurt. I start punching him again and again. The crowd's cheers are just encouraging me to hit him harder. So I do, with all the strength in me, I hit him harder.

He hits me in the eye. I fall to the ground. He tries to kick me but I won't let him. "Kill him!" I hear someone in the crowd yell. "Kill him, let him suffer!" I get back up and hit him harder. My anger is making me become like a beast in the ring. I can't stop hitting him.

I hit him once for Trey. For the idiot of my brother I have. If it hadn't been for him, Marissa never would have gotten expelled. I hit him for Johnny, the true reason why we broke up. The stupid surfer that fell for MY girlfriend. I hit him for Volchok, that monster that killed the only girl I ever loved. I hit him for Henry for talking about her so much.

Last but not least I hit him for the pain that I've been feeling. That pain in my heart that makes me angry all the time because I don't know what to do with it. The pain that makes it hard to breathe, hard to live. That pain that no matter what I do, just won't go away.


	3. Bargaining

**Bargaining**

"What brings you back? I thought you were better than therapy." Henry says, smirking. I just glare at him, not saying anything, not even moving. "You seem to be doing really good too, yeah, with your shiner and all." Again, I don't say anything, don't move, don't think, just stare off into space. "Now are you going to tell me what's wrong, or are you just going to sit there this whole time?"

I move my head and look around the room. I really don't feel like talking to Henry right now. I don't feel like talking to anyone right now. I just want to go and crawl in a hole and die at this point. I'm getting tired of fighting, tired of being angry. I just want to be alone, just think and breathe. Just want to be swallowed in the darkness.

Henry sighs and looks down at his file. "Fine, I don't need to waste my time getting you to talk. I have other work to do anyways." He starts shifting through papers, and puts on his glasses to read.

_You sheltered me from harm.  
You kept me warm  
You kept me warm  
_

"I'd do anything to bring her back." I say softly. "Anything just to hold her, or see her again." My eyes stay dry, and my throat doesn't get choked up. I just say things the way they are, the truth. I miss her, and being without her is making me do crazy things. "So I went and started fighting, to get my mind off of things, off of my now screwed up life. That's why I look like I do today. And you know what, I'm not even ashamed of it, because I don't care anymore."

Henry didn't say anything for a few minutes. When he did speak, he said, "Do you think Marissa would approve?" But I didn't reply, because we both already knew the answer.

_And you gave my life to me  
You set me free,  
You set me free  
The finest years I ever knew  
Were all the years I had with you _

Henry pressed on, "I may not have known her, but I know that I personally do not approve of this behavior, and if she was as special as she seems to be, then I'd expect her to feel the same way." He paused and gave me this look that told me he knew he was right, "Am I right?"

"Yeah….she was special….and she always hated me fighting." I sigh, frustrated. "But sometimes…they really deserved it you know? But always, I'd stop when I see her face, when I heard her voice in my mind, telling me that I wasn't doing good. I just…" I let out an angry sigh, "Miss her."

_I would give everything I own,  
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home.  
And I would give everything I own,  
Just to have you back again. _

Henry gave me a sympathetic look, and said, "I know you're going through a hard time.." He trailed off, and then smiled as if he got an idea. "I don't know if this will help, but maybe if you talk about her…I'll understand your pain a little more."

"What do I say?" I ask. I don't understand what he's talking about. Does he want to hear a little bit about her, or our whole story?

"Tell me about her, anything about her…everything if you want to."

I think for a couple of minutes, and then I decide to tell our story. "I remember the first time I saw her. I had just gotten kicked out by my mom, and I'd called Sandy and he'd picked me up. He went inside to talk to Kirsten, and I went to the end of the driveway. There she was…"

_You taught me how to laugh,  
What a time  
What a time  
You never said too much,  
But still you showed you cared,  
And I knew from watching you. _

Flashback

I take out my cigarettes and think back to what has happened in a matter of twenty four hours. I never should've listened to Trey, never should've stolen that car. Mom wouldn't have kicked me out, and I'd have a place to stay, not be stuck with some rich kids in a stupid town.

I hear someone and I turn to see the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. Probably the most beautiful I'll ever see. She turns and smiles at me, and I feel my heart beat quicken to three times the normal rate. She gives me a questioning look and asks, "Who are you?"

"Whoever you want me to be." But it's not until after I say it that I realize how stupid that was. I blew it, there's no way she'll ever talk to me again.

_And nobody else could ever know  
The part of me that can't let go. _

"Okay." She says with a roll of her eyes. I sigh and look down at my cigarettes. I play with them for a little bit, not thinking of anything else to do. She's still beside me, and that's enough to make me nervous still. She looks around and then asks, "hey, can I bum a cigarette?" I walk over to her, and hand her one. I light it with my own, and she smiles at me. Maybe I hadn't blown it after all. I walk back over to where I was standing earlier and she watches me curiously. She starts smoking, and I half expected her to start coughing, but she doesn't. I want to know her story now, know why she's so mysterious and intriguing. "So what are you doing here, seriously?" She asks me.

_I would give everything I own,  
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home.  
And I would give everything I own,  
Just to have you back again.  
_

"Seriously?" I ask. She doesn't say anything, so I continue. "I stole a car, crashed it. Actually my brother did." I took a step closer to her. "Since he had a gun and drugs on him, he's in jail. I got out, my mom threw me out. She was pissed off, drunk. And then the Cohens took me in."

She blew out a puff of smoke, and looked at me weird. "You're their cousin from Boston right?" She asks.

"Right." I say. I should've known she wouldn't have believed me, it's kind of hard to believe myself at the time. So I'll go along with her. I'm the cousin from Boston, and I know that anything can happen here.

End of Flashback

_Is there someone you know,  
Loving them so,  
You're taking them all for granted.  
You may lose them one day,  
Someone takes them away,  
And they don't hear the words  
You long to say  
_

"I found out she had a boyfriend soon afterwards. It was also revealed that I wasn't the cousin from Boston, rather some kid from Chino who stole a car." I smiled at the memory. "I hated being found out at the time, but thinking back, I'm glad my identity was revealed."

"Sounds like fun." Henry commented. He was writing down something, and it bugged me that I couldn't see what.

"Yeah, it was. Never a dull moment with Marissa." I said with a chuckle. "She could make any ordinary interesting, and I loved her for that." I sadly sighed, "Even though I didn't tell her nearly enough."

"What do you mean?"

"It started on the day before New Years eve of 2003. We were together, and she told me she loved me. I told her thank you." I smiled at the memory. "Of course that didn't go over too well."

"Well at least you were polite." Henry chuckled.

"Yeah, everyone says that, anyways, so on New Years day, she went to some party with this guy named Oliver. I, being stubborn, stayed home with Seth until I realized that I in fact did love Marissa, and I needed to tell her. So after a lot of problems, I finally arrive at the party…"

_Give up my life, give up my heart  
Everything I own Repeat_

Flashback

I run into the penthouse and look around for her. I'm out of breath and tired, but I need to tell her, need to see her reaction to it. My eyes meet hers, and I smile and run over to her. I hear them counting down until New Years, and I realize I only have a few seconds. She leaves the guy that she was talking to and smiles as she walks my way.

When we reach each other, I lean in and kiss her. I hear everyone shouting Happy New Years, but I don't care about them. All that matters is me and Marissa, here and now, and my feelings for her. After a couple of minutes, and a lot of kissing, I pull back and say, "I love you."

She looks baffled. "What?" She asks, as though those three words are what she'd never expected me to say.

I get serious and say, "I love you." And I see the emotions play on her face. Finally, she smiles and I can already tell what she's going to say.

"Thank you." She says, and giggles, making me smile even more. I lean in and kiss her again, letting our tongues dance and pulling her closer to me. Because I don't care what anyone else thinks about me, about us. I'm in love with Marissa Cooper, and I want to be.

End of Flashback

_You know baby, my love for you will  
always stay true. That's right. 'Cause  
there is no me without you. (And I would give everything)  
Everything I own Nobody can love you, love you  
Love you, love you like I do  
_

Henry smiles, but doesn't say anything, so I continue. "I miss her now, and I…it's hard you know?"

He sighs and says, "No one ever said it was going to be easy."

"I'd do anything to have her back." I feel choked up now, unlike earlier. "Just for one more day, one hour even." And it's the truth. Because I'd give up my whole life, just to tell her I love her one more time.

_I would give everything I own,  
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home.  
And I would give everything I own,  
Just to have you back again. _

Just to have you back again.


	4. Depression

**Depression**

The sun is supposedly shining outside, and the sky is supposedly clear and blue. But inside of me, there's a horrible hurricane forming. The thunder makes it hard to think, and the lightning makes it hard to see. The winds are making it hard to breathe, and the rain is making it hard to move. I'm fighting a battle and there's no one to help me, no one to save me. I'm trapped in the storm, but I'm all alone, there's no one else in the area. It's like I'm tied to an anchor at the bottom of the ocean, and I'm slowly drowning. But the only thing is, that's okay with me. Because truthfully, that's what I want.

To be dead.

Because if I'm dead, I'm going to be with her. Because I have something to die for, and nothing to live for. The Cohens would be better off without me, look what happened to Marissa, that could happen to them. And I don't have Summer, because she's not really my friend, rather someone that was just there. And I don't have Marissa, because of me she died. And I really don't want to live for myself, because since I have no one to live for, I have no reason to live for myself. I don't want to be alive, but I am. I'm alive and dead all at the same time…a corpse walking. It's like a curse has been placed on me.

A curse that will last until the day I take my last breath.

I'm supposed to move back in with the Cohens today, but that takes more energy than I have. Because I need to get out of bed first, and that's harder than anything I've ever done. Because as long as my eyes are closed, I don't have to deal with the cold hard truth. I don't have to live or think, there's just darkness….darkness that I want to be swallowed by. But the curse is still there, and sooner or later I'm going to have to open my eyes and face the truth.

She's dead today, tomorrow, and forever.

And that's enough for me to want to die.

_1 week earlier…._

"_Ryan, are you okay?" Seth asks me. I just stare at him, not saying anything, waiting for him to continue. "You look like you haven't slept in days."_

_I walk past him, shrugging him off. "Maybe I haven't." I say. "Maybe I don't want to." I go back to my small closet, and start putting my clothes into boxes. _

"_Are you having nightmares, is there something happening in your sleep?" He asks, and I can tell he's concerned. "Talk to me Ryan, I know what you're going through."_

"_No.." I say strongly and loudly, "You don't." I set the box down and look up at him through heavy eyes. "You can't."_

"_Yeah, I do." He says, trying to convince me. "You're having problems sleeping, that's normal…"_

"_But that's just it, I don't have problems sleeping." He looks at me with confused eyes and I continue. "It's waking up that bothers me."_

"_What do you mean?" He asks, unsure of what I'm talking about. Before I even say anything, I can already tell he's not going to like my answer._

"_Because when I wake up….It shows that I'm still alive."_

"_That's a good thing though." Seth said, not understanding me._

"_No, not for someone who wants more than anything to be dead." And I look away from him, and get back to packing, ignoring the feeling of him staring at me from behind._

I arrive at the Cohen's house a little while later. I enter the house, not saying anything, not smiling, and barely breathing. They all stare at me with worried faces, and I ignore them. I walk straight to the pool house with just a quick, "I need to be alone." as a greeting. When I arrive, I just stare inside for a while. Because I see something that I hadn't seen before.

A big box with the word….Marissa…on it.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I flinch slightly. I turn to see Kirsten following my gaze and looking at the box. She looks at me and softly says, "Julie dropped it by yesterday. She thought you might want it. I didn't look through it, it didn't seem right to."

I look at her, my expression softening. "Thanks, it means a lot." I say quietly. I take a step closer to the box on the bed, and I see Kirsten leave out of the corner of my eye. I sigh, looking at the box. I take small, weary steps to it. When I reach it, I slowly open it, revealing the contents inside. I take in a deep breath, and start to pull out some of the stuff.

First I pull out a picture of me and Marissa at the beach. I look down at the smiles on our faces, and the love radiating from our eyes. I run my thumb softly over her face, wishing she could come back and look at the picture with me. I feel emotions take control of me, and I fight back tears. I can't cry, not now. Not when there was still a whole box to look at.

_May 17, 2006_

"_Do you mind if I take you to the airport? You were the first person I met here, I'd kind of like to be the last to say goodbye." I say. I watch the emotions playing on her face, relief, sadness, and a happiness that I haven't seen in a long time. A happiness that I've missed._

_She smiles at me and says, "You know it's funny, I was going to ask you the same thing." I smile back at her, and we have an unspoken understanding cross over us. We both agree that it's for the best that she leaves, but we both understand how hard it's going to be to say goodbye. And we both know that saving our goodbyes until the very end is going to be for the best, because there are so many things we need to say._

_That night_

"_I brought Volchok on us, it's only fair that I help." Marissa said with a sigh. I don't want her anywhere near him though, not when anything could happen to her. We may not be together, but I still care a lot for her, maybe too much. "One last time?" She asks, putting her hand on my own. I look down at our hands and I feel the usual spark that I get with Marissa. She's rubbing her thumb over my hand, and I've really missed this, something as simple as holding hands._

"_One last time." I smile, causing her to smile too. And it feels like for once, my world is going right._

I look through the box some more, finding a picture of me and her at graduation. I smile despite the emptiness inside of me. Because she looked so beautiful that day, and I wish I'd told her. I wish I'd told her a lot of things….

I look through the box, and find a letter. It's addressed to me, and it seems to be in Marissa's handwriting. I can't remember her ever writing me a letter though. I open it and look at the date.

It was written the day that she died.

_May 18, 2006--morning_

"_Just give me the directions, and I'll go." I say, not wanting her to come with me. She gives me this stubborn look though, and I know this isn't going to be easy._

"_I thought we agreed I was coming along." She stated._

"_If you come, you're staying in the car," I say firmly. She smiles at me and gets in._

"_You know what, I'm really going to miss you bossing me around." She says, grinning widely at me. I can tell she's teasing me, and it makes me smile too._

"_You'll get used to it." I say, starting to drive off._

"_Nope, nope." She says, giggling. I smile as I drive straight ahead, because even though in a couple of hours, I'm going to see her off at the airport, we're starting to become friends again._

_Which means it's only a matter of time before we get back together._

I start reading the letter, but it's hard to see through all the tears. The words are blurry, and it's hard for me to just hold the letter, let alone read it. But I continue to try, not willing to give up the last thing ever directed from Marissa to me.

**May 18, 2006**

**Dear Ryan,**

**Today's the day I'm going to leave, and to tell the truth, I'm kind of scared. I'm scared of leaving Newport, and Summer, and my mom. But most of all, I'm scared of losing you. You were the only thing that kept me going sometimes, whether it was actually you, or just the thought that if I did something, I'd be disappointing you. So I don't really know how I'm going to last a year without you, part of me is tempted to just rip up the plane tickets and go with you to Berkeley, where I know we'd end up together in a matter of months.**

**But the other part of me, the more sane part of me is telling me that I need to leave you. I love you Ryan, but we can't be together. Not now anyways. So I'm going to go on that boat, and I'm going to spend a year thinking about me and you, and what went wrong, and try to fix it. **

I pause to wipe away my tears that are freely making their way down my cheeks. How could I only be getting this letter now?

_May 18, 2006---night_

"_It's weird, thinking about that night. Last time we were here, I was leaving and now you are." I say, looking straight at her, staring into her eyes, savoring these moments._

_She sniffs and then says, "That night, did you ever think we'd end up together?" She sniffs again, and stares at me, waiting for an answer._

"_Are you saying it's over?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood, but being serious at the same time. " Because you never know, right?"_

_She nods, and looks down. When she looks up, she's crying again. "I'm sorry, for all the craziness."_

"_I wouldn't have done it any differently." I state truthfully. "Except maybe Oliver."_

_She laughs and says, "Me too." I just shrug and smile at her. She smiles back, and I know that our goodbyes are nearing._

I look down at the paper in my hands, and I pick up where I left off.

**And maybe when I come back home, I'll go to Berkeley with you, and we can be friends, real friends. And who knows, maybe someday, we'll pick up where we left off. And maybe, that'll be the time that we finally get it right, and we'll finally have our happily ever after.**

**With lots of love, **

**Marissa**

**P.S. I'm leaving this on my dresser with a note for my mom to give this to you. I hope she doesn't read it…**

I stare down at the letter, reading it a second time, savoring every word. I set it aside, making sure I don't crumple it up, and grab one of the last items out of the box.

Marissa's Harbor sweatshirt.

I rub my finger over it, and I rock myself back and forth, trying to shake away the tears and pain that I'm feeling. Finally, I whisper what I've been wanting to tell Marissa, what I've been thinking for the past week and a half. What's been in my heart.

"You should have taken me with you."

And I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

_May 18, 2006----the end_

"_Marissa?" I ask, as I crawl out of my car. I look up and through blurry vision, I see the flames at the top of the car. I quicken my pace, despite the pain that I'm feeling in my head. "Marissa?" I ask as I near her side._

_I feel a horrible pain in my head now, like someone's beating me with a bat. But I blink back the pain, and try to save her. I need to save her. So I drag her out of the car, and take her into my arms, walking her further down the road. The heat from the car makes me sweat, and I'm beginning to lose my vision completely. Finally, when I can't walk anymore, I sit down, and pull Marissa onto my lap. I cradle her unconscious body in my arms and say, "Marissa?"_

_She slowly opens her eyes, and weakly says, "Ryan…" She looks at me with her blue eyes, and I see all the pain in them, and I wish I could take the pain away._

"_I'm going to go get help." I say, starting to move._

"_No." She says as strong as she can._

"_Yeah, I got to go get help." I say, becoming terrified._

_She grabs my shirt though and says, "No, stay…don't leave me."_

"_Okay," I say. I could never say no to Marissa. "Okay." I rub my thumb over her pale cheek, and I watch her struggle to stay awake. To stay alive. "Hold on, hold on, hold on." I repeat over and over again. I look deep into her eyes, and even though she can't say it me, I can see her telling me that she loves me, and that she's sorry. "It's going to be okay…" I repeat, trying to convince myself more than her. _

_Her breathing quickens, and then she takes one more breath, and her eyes slowly drift shut. "Marissa?" I ask, running my hand over her face. "Marissa?" I ask once again. I gently shake her, trying to wake her up. But I can't, she's dead. "No." I say, not wanting to accept the facts, not wanting to lose her. I feel a tear drift down my cheek, and I don't move to wipe it away. Because now, I've lost my love, my hope, my future._

_And I hear my words from yesterday echoing in my head, "You were the first person I met here, I'd kind of like to be the last to say goodbye." And I think back to what a fun day we were having, and how we were getting along so well. "No." I say, trying to make her wake up. But it's no use, and I bury my head in her chest and sob._

_Because I've just lost not only her life, but mine too._


	5. Acceptance

**Acceptance**

_Dear Marissa, _

I look out at the ocean, and feel the warm California breeze against my face. And as I watch the kids running along the beach, and making sandcastles, I feel an emptiness in side of me, one that I can't seem to fill. And as I watch a couple walking down the pier like me and Marissa a couple of years ago, I sigh and remember what great times the two of us had together.

Flashback

"I just want to keep that part of my life away from this part of my life." She says, looking out at the ocean. I think of the beginning of the year, and before we met Oliver, and I have a sudden urge to kiss her.

"You know what we haven't done in a while?" I ask, and she turns to look at me. I look deep into her eyes, and sees that she wants the kiss just as much as I do. I put my hand behind her head, and pull her face closer to mine, and kiss her. I let our tongues do their dance, a dance they haven't done in a while, and I feel a peace wash over me. Something that I've never felt before.

end of flashback

_Who would've thought of me writing a letter to you, especially when you're dead? I know I never did. I could barely talk, let alone write to you. I guess that's kind of why I'm doing this…to tell you things I never got to. So I guess I'll start at the beginning, when I first saw you. You took my breath away, and you made me feel like something again, like I could be whoever I wanted to be._

I walk to the diner, and remember all the times we came here together. One memory sticks out at me. And I smile thinking about it.

Flashback

I put a fry into my mouth, looking at Marissa while doing so. She picks up a fry herself, and looks at me and says, "You know what's funny? Well, not funny…we've been apart longer than we were together."

I calculate the math in my head, and I'm shocked by the results. "It has been a while, you can almost say we're like strangers." I say, and it' s true too. Because as much as I don't want to admit it, we've grown distant, and haven't talked.

"So who are you?" She asks me.

I put a fry into my mouth, and in a serious voice say, "Whoever you want me to be." She throws a fry at me, and we both laugh. I smile at her, and she smiles at me too, and I can't believe I've let myself think that I could actually spend so much time without her.

End of Flashback

_You picked me up when I was falling down, and gave me light when I was in darkness. You were everything to me Marissa, and I'm having the hardest time letting go. I don't know why I ever agreed that it was a good idea for you to go to Greece. If I'd said no, maybe you would've stayed, and he wouldn't have been able to come after you._

I order a cheeseburger with chili fries, Marissa's favorite lunchtime meal, and sigh as I wait. The Cohens and I had gotten into another argument yesterday, but now things were better. The argument starter of course was Marissa, something that I can't talk about easily. Some things that the Cohens said though, they got me thinking that maybe my method of dealing without her was all wrong.

Flashback

"You're going to have to get over her Ryan." Seth tells me. I glare at him, and he sighs. "I'm only trying to help."

Sandy walks into the pool house with Kirsten, and I roll my eyes. "Is this some type of ambush?" I ask, sitting down on the bed. They all walk in front of me, and I can already tell another lecture is coming.

"We're only trying to help Ryan." Kirsten says softly. She places her hand on my shoulder, and I tensed up. "You need to talk about her."

"I don't need to talk about anybody." I say fiercely. I look down and mumble, "It's not like you'd understand anyway."

"Ryan, just tell us, and maybe we'll understand." Sandy pleaded. Kirsten and Seth nodded, and I sighed frustrated.

"She was right there." I begin. "Just right there, and she died. I couldn't help her, I just had to watch her die, on the side of the road, in my arms. She stiffened, and I felt as she went cold. And I'm the one that heard her last words, and watched as she struggled with her last breaths." he pointed to himself. "How do you forget something like that?"

"I'm not telling you to forget her. But you'll get used to her not being here anymore." Sandy said.

"It's hard."

"No one said it would be easy."

End of Flashback

_You probably wouldn't blame me if you were able to talk to me would you? You'd blame it on Volchok, or just say that no one was really at fault, and would get on with your life. But that's not easy for me, because I don't really forgive people, just give second chances to them. I don't know how you ever dated Volchok. Or even looked in his direction more than once._

When I'm done eating, I get up and head to the cemetery, my real destination. I wrote a letter for Marissa, and I've decided to give it to her, or at least put it on he grave. I still haven't been there yet, and I'm nervous for some reason. Because I guess that deep down, a part of me was still holding onto her, still believing that this was all a dream. But once I see her grave, there's no holding onto her anymore, I'll have to face the truth.

She's really gone.

_I guess you being with Volchok is sort of my fault too. If I hadn't broken up with you, you wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry for him cheating on you, even though I kind of enjoyed the fact that you two were no longer together._

I finally arrive at the cemetery, and just sit in my car for a couple of minutes, staring out at the hundreds of headstones. It's hard knowing that Marissa is by one of them, and that she's really underground right now. After I gain enough courage, I get out of my car, making sure to grab my letter. I follow the directions that Kirsten gave me to mark where she is, and walk slowly to the spot. That's when I see her name on one of the headstones.

And that's when I feel like I need to cry and let out all the pain inside of me. But I won't, because I'd still like to believe that Marissa can see me wherever she is. And I need to be brave for her, because she's always needed someone's support. And I want to show her that I'm still strong, I'm still the person she used to know, used to love. I'm still the person that would kill his own brother to honor her, or hit the Dean of Discipline because he's hurting her. So with everything inside of me, I make sure that I don't let a tear escape.

And as I stare down at the headstone, and as I feel the emotions playing inside of me, I slowly feel my knees buckle and I fall to the ground. But I don't break eye contact with the words on the tombstone, and I don't drop the letter that I'm tightly clutching. But instead, I move my free hand to the side of the large stone, and slowly run my fingers over the cold, gray marble. And it hurts me to know that this is all that's left of Marissa, a few words on a stone.

_I fought him that night, and beat him up pretty bad. I say it was to get the money, but if I'm honest, it was because of the thought that he'd ever touched you, ever kissed you. It was because even though I hated you two together, he hurt you, and I couldn't stand to see you hurt. And when I gave you Taylor's money in the morning, you didn't ask questions, and just accepted it, and accepted me. You were the only person I could really trust, and when I stole that car with him, you showed me that. And I'll always be grateful to you for it._

I move my hand over to the words on the stone, and slowly move my finger over the M in her name, tracing it. And even though at the moment, I can barely breathe, let alone talk, I start randomly saying things, not even caring what comes out. "Do you remember when I came back from Chino after that summer I spent with Theresa? I remember it, because I remember being happy that things would go back to normal, and I'd get to see you again, get to talk to you. And when I saw you at school that day, I was happy for the first time in a long time, and when I hugged you, I felt the usual sparks that I get when I'm with you. And we went to your house, and you showed me around, I really wasn't paying attention to what you said about it, or the places around it, I was just watching you, and only you. But then, when I saw you with DJ, I felt me heart break, and I felt horrible. I was angry with you, angry with myself for ever thinking that you'd wait for me. So I went out with Lindsay."

I pause, stopping to think about what I'd said. And I start up again, wanting to get all of this out, even though I know that she can't really hear me. "Yeah, I thought I cared about her, and yeah, I was sad when she left. But I only just now realized that YOU were the one there when I needed you, You were the one that comforted me in my time of need. It was all you, but you were with Alex." He laughed softly, remembering them together. "Most guys think that you two being together was hot, but for me, it just meant more competition." He moved his finger to the A in her name, and started tracing over that. "And when we went to the bonfire together, I think it was the first time that I really realized how much you still meant to me. Because seeing you there with the wind in your hair, and the fire reflecting in your eyes, I remembered how beautiful you were. And your smile reminded me of that first night when I met you, and how I fell for you in the first place."

_But then, something went horribly wrong. Volchok wanted his money, and I didn't have it. But here you come, saving the day again, and helped me get that too. And at graduation, when you told me that you were leaving for a year, I remember being sad, but not wanting to tell you. Because I know that it was the right thing to do, that we needed our space, but I wish you would've stayed. I wish you would've stayed with me, because I'd still have you here, and I wouldn't have to write this to you._

I move my finger over to the R and start tracing that too. "And when Trey came, you understood that I needed to have him in my life, even if I didn't. And in return, he almost rapes you." I sigh angrily, "And I go after him, but you somehow knew what would happen when Seth and Summer called, and you came to my rescue, which ended up costing you." He sighed softly, and looked up at the sky. "But enough talking about the past, that's depressing stuff." He chuckled softly, realizing that his present was pretty depressing too.

"I heard this song the other day called 'A Place Nearby' and it got me thinking about heaven and stuff you know. Because in the song, the person promises that there's no need to be sad because heaven is a place nearby, and they're really not that far away. I kind of liked the idea of that you know? The thought that even though you're gone, you're not completely gone at the same time. Like you can still see me, and hear me, and check in on me every once in a while. But I don't know if it's true, although I hope it is." I've now traced the I and two S's in her name, so I move to the last A.

"I've been doing better these past couple of days since I've written the letter. But sometimes it just hits me you know, that you're not here, that I'm never going to get to call you again. Sometimes, late at night, when I'm sure no one's going to bother me, I watch the video to my Bar Mitzvah, the one that I hadn't seen made. I watch it, and I see you, and hear you again, and if only for a moment, I can pretend like I'll just see you tomorrow." I stop, feeling myself get all choked up. I swallow hard and then continue, "And sometimes, when I need to hear your voice, I call your cell phone. Julie kept it, and has it put away in a box somewhere, but she hasn't turned off your service yet. So when I call, I can still hear your voice telling me to leave a message." I shrugged. "It gets me through the day sometimes."

_But you are gone, so I'll continue. When we went to the model home, you asked me if I ever thought we'd end up together, and I said that you never know, that we could still get together if we wanted to. But we never got our chance, and I was really looking forward to it._

I look down at the envelope in my hand, and removed my other hand from her headstone. I remain looking at my hands as I remembered a time a long time ago, when it was Marissa and me in Chino…

Flashback

"What about Summer, your dad, Caitlin?" I ask. She continues looking down at her hands, not willing to look me in the face. "And what about me, what am I supposed to do without you?" I ask, and she looks up with shock on her face. "I mean I'll get over you eventually, but it'll take a while." I say with a smile. She continues looking at me, and I stare at her, pleading with my eyes to let her come home, let her come back to me.

Because I already know that I don't have a life unless Marissa's in it…not one I want to live anyways.

End of Flashback

I look around to the graves beside me and wonder why no one's there visiting them. Just because someone's not physically here anymore doesn't mean that they don't want to be visited. And even if you don't believe in that, don't these people deserve the respect of an occasional visit? I look back at Marissa's grave and say, "I have to go. But I promise I'll visit every once in a while. I'll put flowers on your grave. I'll make sure you don't get lonely." I put down the letter neatly on the ground and say, "I wrote you this letter. I know it probably will never be read, but there was just some stuff I needed to say, stuff I wanted to get out." I stand up and dust off my pants. I place my hand on her tombstone and say, "I'm going to try to move on, because I know that's what you would want. That's what you told me in your letter. So if I don't come around in a while, it's not because I don't care, but rather because I care too much."

I start to walk away, every step giving me a new confidence that things will finally be okay, that I can move on and live without her. I turn around, and look at the words on her tombstone one last time, "**Marissa Cooper 1988-2006 Beloved daughter, sister, and friend. Whoever she wanted to be." **And then I turn around and head back to my car, and head back to the pier.

_When Volchok started ramming us, I was scared. I was scared for you, scared for me, scared for us. And I had every right to be. And when I carried you out of the car, and you begged me to stay, I knew that you weren't going to make it, but I really wanted you to. You begged me to stay Marissa, you didn't want me to leave you. But what about me? You left me, why didn't you stay? Why did you have to go?_

I walk down the pier, and stare out at the ocean like I had earlier. And I listen to the waves blend together with the sounds of the kids laughing, and the adults making conversation. But unlike before, I feel like I'm seeing it for the first time. And I look up at the sky, and see the sun shining down on me, warming my whole body, and I feel a smile form on my lips for the first time in a long time. And as I run down the beach, to the lifeguard station, I feel like a new person. I feel like I have this strength in me that's never been there before.

And as I reach the lifeguard station, and walk up that ramp that I've walked up so many times before, I don't feel sad. Rather, I feel like throwing my arms in the air, and shouting to the heavens. Because I've realized that I don't need to try and make Marissa go away, and just forget about her. All I need to do is remember her, and her memories and the good times we spent together. I don't need to grieve her death, rather celebrate her life. And as I sit down on the lifeguard station and stare out at the waves, I remember her the way she should be remembered.

Flashback

I stare at her with serious eyes, not knowing if she really wants this. "Are you sure you're ready for this? We've done a lot, but never this." I say, never breaking eye contact. She nods her head, and starts unbuttoning her shirt. I take off mine too, and slowly, a pile of clothes gathers on the ground. We move under the blankets, me on top of her, and I lean in and kiss her softly and tenderly.

She starts to run her hands through my hair, and I move my hand behind her head, deepening the kiss. I hear her moan and smile into the kiss, loving it that I have that effect on her. I start to move my lips down her jaw, and make a trail of kisses to her chest. And as we make love into the night, I can't remember ever feeling so alive, so whole in my life. And I know I'll never forget this feeling as long as I live.

And when she drifts off to sleep, I watch her, knowing that she's going to leave me soon. But right now, all I can think about is how beautiful she is, and how incredibly amazing this night was, our last night together. And as I slowly drift off to sleep myself, I still feel her cuddled up next to me, and I still feel her safe in my arms.

A place that she'll always belong.

End of Flashback

I stand up, and start walking towards my car again. I turn around to look at the lifeguard station again, a place that holds so many good and bad memories. And for the smallest moment, I swear that I see Marissa again, smiling back at me.

But only for a moment.

_Whatever the reason, I want to say I love you. I always have, and always will. I wish I'd said it that night, but I didn't, I just too busy trying to save you. So I want you to know, that you'll always be in my heart. And I want you to know, that even though you're gone, it doesn't mean that we don't have our chance at happily ever after. It just means that it's delayed for a while._

_With lots of love,_

_Ryan_


End file.
